Feeling worthless

Here I am crossing back to the US from Nuevo Laredo Mexcio. It's hot and there is a long line due to bridge 1 being close for construction. I was sick most of yesterday and last night I tryed to take the Suboxone but it doesn't work. I'm done trying, I guess I'm just going to be an addict all my life. FUCK, I can't believe that I can't accomplish this. What I'm I going to do. I feel so hopeless. Now I know how my sister felt before she took her life. She couldn't fine the way out. Should I prepare myself, is that the only way out. I'm not ready to die. But I would rather die that my kids see me as a junkie. My wife is ready to quit on me. I don't know if I can handle my family leaving me. I'm so afraid for what I know is to come. I can't live that life again.

Feeling alone

Today was just another hot lonely day. I went to work sick and had to suck it up till noon. I'm not sure why I woke up so sick. I never wake up sick. Anyways. I'm going to try getting on my Suboxones this weekend, but that means I'm going to have to suck it up and be sick for 2 days. I just hope I'm able to go throw with it this time. Every time I try I just end up feeling sick, I'm not sure if I'm taking the meds right.  I'm following the docs instructions but maybe I need more or maybe less. Maybe It take a few days to work, I'm not sure. I've been wasting to much money and my wife is starting to question about how much I'm getting paid. Cause the money is going so quick. I really need to get it together. GOD PLEASE HELP ME! I'm so afraid of losing my family. I can not fail them. They are all I have. With out them I am nothing. I would rather die.

Thinking Thinking Thinking

Last night my wife and I argued over the phone about all the wrong I have done in the years we've been together. Lately that's all I've been hearing. I meet my wife 10 years ago, the most beautiful, intelligent woman. Wow. She blow my mine, the thing is I still feel all those things for her. I try so hard. I work everyday as an Ironworker traveling all over the place to provide for them. It's been four years since I've been working on getting back on my feet. I've  Furnished my hole house, with  brand-new furniture.  I have a brand new truck. But before that was hell. I know it was. We've always have had our own place. Never have I had my family living in the street or under a  bridge. We didn't always have food but I did my best as an addict to provid. BUT. I love my wife with all my heart, it hurts so much to hear all those things that come from her. It really does rip me apart. It makes me feel worthless.

Friday's coming soon

 Friday is coming soon and I'm afraid to go home . Home is Nuevo Laredo Mexico.  On March 2012 I was picked up by cartel members  and beaten and left to die. I was thrown next to the bravo river that divides Mexico and the US. I was found dy the  Mexican marines a day and a half later. They don't like H addicts. Who ever  is distributing or consuming you will be killed and dismembered. I think maybe the people who did this to me may be dead, but I'm not sure. Two weeks ago I was going down my street and this guy saw me and got up fast and took pictures of my truck and plates. ARE THEY LOOKING FOR ME. It's  torture standing and watching my windows all night crossing my fingers hoping that my family and I aren't next. The day before yesterday two entire family's were murdered for nothing, babies were slaughtered. I'm so afriad one day I get home and not find my family alive. I live in fear. What a why to live. 

Fail Fail Fail

I don't understand myself sometime. I'm so afraid to lose, I don't take lost very lite. For instance I'm so afraid to lose my family, my wife, kids and my mom. But why I do I gamble with my life. I tell myself every week, this is it no more. But I wake up so sick I run and go get another bag. I'm so afraid of being sick. I don't want to be just another addict. What would I do if my baby girl finds out I'm just a loser with a habit. I would rather die than her see me as that loser addict. Why can't I change. Why did I go this route. Why! Why! Why!