Feeling worthless

Here I am crossing back to the US from Nuevo Laredo Mexcio. It's hot and there is a long line due to bridge 1 being close for construction. I was sick most of yesterday and last night I tryed to take the Suboxone but it doesn't work. I'm done trying, I guess I'm just going to be an addict all my life. FUCK, I can't believe that I can't accomplish this. What I'm I going to do. I feel so hopeless. Now I know how my sister felt before she took her life. She couldn't fine the way out. Should I prepare myself, is that the only way out. I'm not ready to die. But I would rather die that my kids see me as a junkie. My wife is ready to quit on me. I don't know if I can handle my family leaving me. I'm so afraid for what I know is to come. I can't live that life again.